This has been on my mind today, as it is on most days, and I thought I’d share it with you so you can get a snapshot of how it can be on the psych ward. I was a sectioned patient, on a section 2 because I was going to sacrifice myself and would not agree to an admission. I write this as if I was there at this moment.
If you are easily triggered having been in a psych ward and having bad memories, you might want to give this a miss.
I feel worried and frightened. I am concerned that the hospital has a higher authority that are spying on all of the patients. There are cameras everywhere, in our rooms and in our corridors. I cannot trust the staff because they are either in on it, or have been brainwashed by the higher powers. They want to keep us here to watch us and control us. I need to escape and the only way is over the fence in the garden. I walk out of my room trying not to look suspicious, my head down to avoid any gazes or things that might brainwash me into staying in the hospital. I go outside and hide behind a bush and reach up to try and pull myself over the fence. Someone spots me and tells me to stop - I try harder. Suddenly alarms are going off behind me indoors and I can hear the jangle of many keys banging against the legs of nurses and support workers as they run. A few surround me, I try harder to pull myself up shouting “you don’t know me, I don’t know you” and they ask me to come down and I ignore them until I realise I am not strong enough to pull myself over. I run out of the bushes but I am caught - I have 2 people on either arm and someone picks up my legs until someone says “leave her legs, she can walk”. I struggle to get out of the grip and ask them to leave me alone. I am marched inside, the alarms still repeating over and over. As I struggle to get out of the grip of 2 fully grown men, they just grasp me harder and it hurts. As I continue struggling they bend my wrists back and it hurts like hell so I stop struggling. They march me into my bedroom - the alarms are off now. There are many people in my room as they sit me on my bed, still arms restrained by 2 men. I struggle but they pull me down. At the door appears more people and I notice someone has a sick bowl and I know that there is an injection there. A nurse comes in - “right, are you going to take these tablets or would you like an injection?” I tell them there is a camera in the pills and they say they isn’t. I bite the olanzapine meltlet in half just to check. I am frightened because there is an injection right there and I know they are going to hold me down and it’s going to hurt. So I take the tablet. After a few minutes they release me and I sit there obediently because I don’t know what to do. Everyone leaves and I am alone. There is mud all over my floor from the outdoors. I do not know what to do and my arms hurt. They then leave me for the rest of the day aside someone opening my door every 15 minutes to check I am still there. I am alone and still paranoid.
That’s the end of the memory. I have several questions: why did no one stay with me afterwards to calm me down and why is it all about medication and not holistic care? Why did they surround me when they knew I was paranoid - would one person calmly talking to me not have been better? Why did they have to bend my wrists back because it hurt like hell? How can you give an ultimatum to someone who is clearly very unwell and paranoid and not thinking straight?
I leave these questions with you and invite you to consider any more that have arisen for you.
This was just a snapshot and I have many other memories. This is the first for now.
Take care, Skye.